It took me a good long time to realize what I wanted to accomplish as a dancer. I've contemplated making it a lucrative passion, doing what I love and attempting to sustain life's necessities. I've also thought about how it could very possibly be my one and only escape and submersion from reality, leaving it at that. I then attempted to decide if the professional route even made sense or could even be a possibility for me at my current age. I've pondered the art and told myself to just dance from the heart and make it your dream to succeed how you see fit and thats where I ended up. After endless thoughts of where am I going and what are my goals as a dancer I've concluded that my path is going to end up being exactly what I make it, but if I ever want more I'll have to seek it out and go for it, polishing technique and strengthening my weaknesses along the way.
Last Thursday night came my first real opportunity to become a part of a professional dance company. For weeks before the audition I was nervous, more nervous then I've ever been on stage actually performing. This was the real deal for me and I had to make the decision to go for this. I knew all along that I was going to make this happen for myself but I had several internal monologues and deeply struggled with the fact that I was going to have to officially "audition." Everything I had was going to come down to that fleeting moment and become the deciding factor on whether or not I had what it takes to dance professionally.
Right before the audition was about to commence the voices in my head began to converse. "If you just sneak out right after this class, no one will know." But that was all wrong, because someone WOULD know. I'd know, and I'd know that I had let myself down and I'd have never known what could have been for me. I then heard "You HAVE to do this Mara, you've worked too hard over the years, this is it. This is your moment so make it good." I proceeded downstairs where a good 40 dancers were lined up ready to fill out paperwork and attach themselves to a number. Thats when reality sunk in. I was there and I was auditioning, I suddenly felt strength and weakness at the same time. I was scared and nervous but I felt like I belonged there among other great talent. With my heart beating triple time I went into the studio and learned a few 8 counts of some dynamic choreography. You could feel the tension and nerves floating through the room as we approached 10:30pm. We went through the movement thoroughly as tons of questions were asked. It reminded me of something the director of the group always says "Only sexy people ask questions." It finally came down to it, and the dancers lined up in groups of 6 to audition for the chance to be a part of a great experience. I was number 16 so I was in the 3rd group of 6. We ran through each group about 5 times before the process was all over and everyone sat and breathed a long sigh of relief.. including yours truly.
I left the studio that night feeling good about myself even though I knew just how amazingly nervous I was. For the weeks leading up to the audition, to the day of and all the way through it. I thought I might have squandered my chances of actually making it because of my ridiculous nervous ways. I drove 45 minutes home that night and thought about how I did and wondered if I could have done just THAT much better. I had to sleep on it because it was over. There was no use for what ifs.
Friday day I went to work tired as a dog. Having danced hard from 8-11:30PM and not hitting the pillow until after midnight was a completely foreign concept to me. I clutched my coffee cup that day like it might escape from my desk. My livelihood was dependent on every ounce of caffeine I could suck down. I checked my phone periodically throughout the day wondering, praying, hoping and wishing that I'd get a call from the director. Suddenly around noon, my phone rang. The caller ID read a 510 area code and if you're from the San Francisco Bay Area you know thats an East Bay number. I realized who it had to be and it was. The voice on the other end was familiar, warm and who I prayed it would be. I had made it. I couldn't believe it, but I had made the company. After I hung up the phone I lost it. I laughed, cried, jumped around and did all kinds of ridiculous things I can't even remember. And as I sat there and let it all sink in for a while I thought about how I pondered not auditioning. Thank god I did.
I'm now officially a proud member of a real professional dance company called SoulForce out of San Francisco, one of the coolest more amazing, innovative, creative cities in the world. This had become a turning point in my life and now I'll never look back. I'm completely humbled and ecstatic to be a part of a company like this and I know it will change my life. I'm now looking forward to the future.
